Married Life? Or wth
by Gray Wings
Summary: Subaru and Seishirou are in luuuv. Kamui thinks he may have to play the best-friend card and scratch the latter's eyes out. Oneshot, CRACK


**Author's Note:** Again, Xposted to seixsub's LJ. :) Inspiration struck last night at one in the morning, and the final product was completed at two-thirty. So. Yeah. Crack over quality.

**Everyone in this belongs to CLAMP.** Except Snowflake. But he is dead, so who cares.

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><p><em>Seishirou is a wonderful man: kind, loving, gentle, and always there for me—<em>

Subaru sighs and suffocates the sudden spurt of frustration with chocolate because, ha, Seishirou is none of those things. Except maybe the part where he is _always there_, but that's actually not a plus. But it is okay, because Seishirou loves him and buys him lots of pretty things and boy, he suddenly feels like a cheap whore. Or a suburban housewife. Either way, none of this can go into the letter to his sister.

And by 'this,' Subaru means _the truth_.

"Shit," Subaru slams the pen onto the kitchen table in a decidedly put-upon matter, stuffs another piece of Godiva in his mouth. What is he supposed to do now?

"You can start by dumping the creep."

Subaru does not jump, drop his chocolate bar, or scream like a girl. So there is no reason for Kamui to be cackling like a hyena.

"So," the little prick drawls, all breathless and teary-eyed, "Told your sister about Dr. Jekyll yet?"

"Hey!" Subaru waves his chocolate in what he quickly realizes is not a very threatening manner. He lowers the candy and brandishes the discarded pen instead, "No crazy-boyfriend digs from _you_, thank you very much."

Kamui does not even pretend to be insulted on behalf of his on-and-off booty-call slash boyfriend slash older-brother-figure and why is Subaru surrounded by freaks?

"It's different with Fuuma," Kamui points a manicured finger at the camera, "For one, he does not buy me pets whom he later murders in a fit of jealousy."

"Seishirou did not kill Snowflake; it was an accident," _I think_, "And it happened _once_. How many restraining orders do you have on Fuuma again?"

"…Four. But that's not the point!" Kamui leans in so close all Subaru sees is half of an eye and thick eyelashes, "The point is, you are a helpless, gullible country bumpkin being played by some rich asshole."

"Seishirou is _not_ playing me!" Subaru is aware he is screeching in a small part of his mind somewhere, "Who kills a cat over someone he is playing?"

"Aha!" Kamui cries, but the complete lack of surprise in his tone somehow undermines the exclamation.

"Shut up," Subaru pouts, fiddles with his pen, "Anyway, we are in love."

"Oh, Subaru…" the tone is so pathetically sympathetic Subaru barely restrains himself from slapping the other boy. Or, well, the laptop which bears his pixelated face. "Don't 'oh, Subaru' me!" he snarls instead, "It's true!"

"How do you know, hm? How do you know it is your love he is interested in? Has he ever held you, comforted you, spent time with you just because, ditched work to help you out—"

"Yes, yes, yes and _yes_, even though he really shouldn't have flown back from China five days early because I had a _toothache_—"

"—chased your dog through traffic, serenaded you naked, tattooed your name on his-Um." Kamui stops, suddenly aware of Subaru's half-horrified, half-amused stare. "China, huh."

Subaru gives him another long look, then decides he really does not need to know. Ever. "Yeah."

Kamui sighs, taps at his keyboard. A string of gibberish appears on Subaru's side of the chat, "Subaru, I am not trying to be a bitch, it's just-" He nibbles on his lip, and finally, finally gets to what he wanted to say all along, "He is nine years older than you! The handsome, successful, rich businessman does not fall in love with the clumsy, adorable college student who spilled crappy coffee on his Armani suit! Not outside Korean dramas, in any case!"

"Okay, first of all, _he_ bumped into _me,_" Kamui rolls his eyes in both annoyance and disbelief, "Secondly, it does happen!" quieter, "It happened to me."

Kamui quiets, but disapproval hangs thick around him. Subaru stuffs more chocolate into his mouth and tries not to start crying.

"Alright, I am gonna let you go," Kamui says and Subaru nods, crunches chocolaty cellophane with sticky fingers, "Just…talk to Hokuto, okay? And _e-mail_ her, for God's sake! Why the fuck do you still bother with letters, I have no idea."

Kamui blinks offline. Subaru stares at the string of senseless letters and numbers his childhood friend has left behind and tries to find an answer to Seishirou, himself, the universe, maybe.

"I will talk with him once he comes home, I guess," Subaru finally decides at quarter to six, heads up towards the kitchen. Dinner is not going to start itself.

Maybe he should have mentioned to Kamui that Seishirou had moved into Subaru's cluttered college apartment two months back. Well, he will find out soon enough; Subaru has to pick them up from the airport tomorrow at seven.

Suddenly, an image of Fuuma and Seishirou crowded around one tiny table pops in Subaru's head in techno-color, accompanied by the appropriate horror-movie music. Subaru winces; he is going to need a hella lot more chocolate.


End file.
